Stupid Ice

Scene: The kitchen.  I'm at the sink doing the dishes.  Lil G is behind me making noise from across the room.  The kids are all doing their chores and stomping through the house.  The pestering started at sunrise and I'm on edge waiting for the next argument to break out.  Typical summer morning at our home.

Lil G: (angrily) Get in there stupid a--!

Me: (wide eyed and turning quickly....here we go!...)

Lil G: (shoving ice into her water bottle with frustration) 

Me: (Oh...."stupid ice"!!!  My bad!)

Option 1 or Option 2

Have you ever been in public or around other conscious humans when your bodily functions got the best of you unexpectedly?  Yeah.  It's pretty embarrassing.  (Refer to my other stellar ladylike moments here.) 

I haven't exactly figured out the physical need for certain things like runny noses, lugis, dandruff, body odor, excessive ear wax, female whiskers, or involuntary flatulence.  As far as I'm concerned they exist solely to demand individual humility to all who they haunt, which again, would apply to any and every breathing human being.  It's how our bodies were made.  It's how they function.  We may not like it or understand it or even be able to control it, but it is what it is.

I had an embarrassing moment this week.  I was coaching the Yankees t-ball team.  (Totally rad, eh?  And, yes, our team is not only adorable but pretty amazing.  We specialize in running the bases.)  The weather that day was a little chilly.  The brisk air triggered an avalanche of a runny nose, which frustrates me but doesn't surprise me.  In fact, I am always prepared for a runny nose, either mine or my child's, almost to a flaw.  It drives my husband crazy.  I stuff Kleenex up the sleeve of my shirt or in my sock.  The pockets of all my sweaters and jackets are always stocked.  On a regular basis a forgotten Kleenex shreds it's way through the laundry.  It's horribly wonderful.  But let me ask you, how do you have time or even enough appendages to get a Kleenex out and wipe your nose while pitching a baseball and shuffling 14 darling 5-year-olds from place to place?  You don't.  So I resorted to the sniff.  Sniff..sniff.....sniff.sniff...  Annoying yet effective in most scenarios.  But not that day.  

I was standing 4 feet from home base.  My Yankee was in position to hit, bat in hand & helmet on.  The coach of the opposing team was behind home base.  I bent over to pick up a ball and then and there it happened.  Unexpected nasal extraction.  I felt like a rodeo bull.  And when I realized what had just happened and that not only were two people (1 adult & 1 child) directly in front of me, but also a slew of family watching from the sidelines as well as my base coaches behind me, I knew I needed to make a quick and critical decision.  

Option 1: Draw more attention to myself by making a joke out of it.

Option 2: Pretend it never happened and pitch the dang ball.

Let's just say that Option 2 prevailed.  Until now.

Run Forest Run

I ran too far away from home yesterday and couldn't make it back. 

The morning started lovely.  I was surprisingly spry for 6:30 a.m.  The weather was perfect.  Not too hot.  Not too cold.  My Ipod was charged.  Earphones snug.  And off I went into the unknown. 

About 6.5 miles later I was tired.  Not just a little tired.  Really tired.  Dizzy tired.  I couldn't figure it out.  I had been running pretty regularly for several weeks and had done more than 6.5 miles only a week ago.  Buck up, soldier, I said.  So I put on a strong face and continued.  But that only lasted until the next telephone pole arrived and at that point I stopped.  Shakey.  Sore.  Fatigued.  Pissed off.  How do I get home now?  I don't want to run.  My right hip feels like it's out of socket.  My butt is sore and reeling from rigorous bouncing.  I can feel my 2nd toenail holding on for dear life.  Why?  Why do I even try to run?  I don't enjoy it.  In fact I nearly hate it.  Despise it almost.  Since when does my body not react like it did when I was 15?  It's so sad because I feel and act like I'm 15.  Why can't my mind and my body get on the same page already?  Dang you mind and body!  But I'm not getting home standing still.  So I started walking.  I walked, and I walked, and I walked.  Just like the pioneers only wearing better shoes.  I could see my house across the river.  If I cut straight through it was only a mile.  But the road wouldn't conform.  It had to wind and twist making my journey farther and more painful.  My cell phone was in my pocket.  I could easily call Handsome.  He was surely home getting ready for work & would come to the rescue.  But, no.  He would laugh at me.  I would be "the girl who ran too far away from home and couldn't make it back".  Ha-ha.  Funny joke.  Nope.  Definitely not calling.  I still had my pride at that point.  But then I realized what time it was.  The bus would be coming to pick the kids up for school in 30 minutes.  Crap!  So I took one for the team and started running.  I guess you can call it that.  It was maybe more of a quickened shuffle.  Before long a string of road bikes came flying by.  Suckers.  They think they're so fast with their wheels & pedals & spandex.  I wish I had wheels right now.  About a mile from my house a familiar truck pulled up.  Handsome!  He was on his way to work and came looking for me since I hadn't come home.  As much as I wanted to beg for a ride home my ego wouldn't let me do it.  He asked if I was okay.  I said, yes.  Then he started to turn around.  What were you thinking?!  Moron!  Ask him for a ride already!  Who runs too far from home and then passes up a ride?  Nope.  I won't do it.  I will make it home.  I'm not that girl.  Then Handsome rolled down his window and asked if I wanted a ride home.  YES!!!  I almost cried I was so relieved.  Pride shmride.  Who needs it?  I slowly pulled myself up into the truck and was home within seconds.  Seconds!  Wow!  And to think it would've taken me much longer to achieve that distance.  Hallelujah!  Thank you, Handsome! 

And yes, I am that girl.