My Journey to Motherhood

March 20, 2022 marks 21 years since one of the greatest, most painful, humbling experiences of my life. Paige’s birth. I was 19 when Brian and I married. Six months later we were expecting our first child. I was so excited to tell Brian that I was pregnant. I’d hoped he’d react like Charles on Little House on the Prairie. He would cry and hug me. We would laugh and smile. It would be perfect! Nope. Not real. He opened the card I had prepared for him which read, “Congrats! You’re going to be a dad!” He looked at me and said, “Oh shit!” I gained 50 pounds during that pregnancy. I was huge. None of my shoes fit. My toes looked like baby carrots. I think Brian and I were both wondering what the hell we’d gotten ourselves into. After forty weeks of growing, I was in active labor. I received an epidural. Brian passed out. He literally fell flat on his face on the hardwood floor. The nurses were holding Brian up and I was on my own. I pushed for an hour and a half, and with the help of forceps, our sweet dark-haired baby Paige arrived. The labor and aftermath of the delivery was rough on my body. The doctor took it upon himself to invite nursing students into the room as he stitched me up. Apparently, he thought it was a good teaching opportunity to show more people my vagina. As he taught the students what he was doing, he said, “Now this looks like ground beef, but it will be okay.” I said, “Excuse me? Did you just say that my va-jay-jay looks like ground beef?” He looked at me and said, “Yes.” I replied, “It’s a good thing my legs are numb or I’d kick you.” He laughed. I didn't. Needless to say, I felt really unconfident about my lady parts. After a short recovery in Labor and Delivery I was transferred onto a gurney and wheeled to a room in the Women’s Center. The routine in this part of the hospital was familiar to me. I had been working at the hospital for three years as a Certified Nursing Aide (CNA). After I had settled in my new bed, my nurse came to rub my belly and take me to the bathroom. Peeing for the first time after an epidural was a big deal. I nailed it. After using the bathroom, the most glamorous part of the postpartum experience takes place. The nurse gives you mesh underwear, a maxi pad that would fit an elephant, and a rubber glove filled with ice. The pad goes in the underwear and the ice glove goes on the pad. Then it all goes on your crotch. Who knew that these three inventions would quickly be my new best friends? Who also knew that after sharing these moments together a husband and wife would ever procreate again? Just like no one could truly prepare me for the icy crotch, sand dollar nipples, or the hemorrhoids from hell, no one could’ve truly prepared me for the last hilarious, beautiful, hard, heartbreaking, tearful, sleepless, glorious twenty-one years. I have learned patience, courage, endurance, sorrow, love, forgiveness, and joy beyond my wildest dreams. My body, mind, and heart will never be the same. Happy 21st, my beautiful Paige! I’m so proud to be your mom.