Soap

I love you.  I hate you.  I don't know why.  But tell me, why is it too much to ask that you do not collect hair?  And why is it so blasted hard to get a hair off of you?  It's as if there is a magnetic force holding you together.  No matter how much I turn you around, no matter how many times I run you under the water, and no matter how many times I drop you, you still remain hairy.  Are you in love with the hair?  Perhaps even married?  Just go away, hair!  GO AWAY!  The hair just swirls and slithers like a snake around and around you.  It will not leave!  Not until I physically dig my fingers into you and grab the hair and remove it, which is EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO AVOID!  I don't want to touch it!  Just fall off!  Disappear!  I don't even care who's hairy body it fell off of.  Even if it's my hair, I loathe it!  And when I do get the hair off of you I have to re-lather and rewash my entire body because for some reason you now seem dirty to me.  Hairy soap is dirty!  Can soap be dirty?  Can you be dirty?  Isn't that an oxymoron?  Add this to my list of many issues.  And, no, Joey from "Friends", soap is not self cleaning!