Spray Tan

I've never had a spray tan.  I've always been curious about them and wanted one.  With my fair skin I'm always in need of a little color.  Especially because, as we all know, tan fat is much cuter than white fat.  Since I have a family and personal history of skin cancer I am opposed to using both the tanning bed and the sun for that sun kissed look.  Too risky.  So a tan without the risk of cancer is very appealing to me.  Or should I say "was". 

I recently heard that when you get a spray tan they spray your under carriage.  

Uhhhhhhh....

Tap...tap.  Yup.  That's the sound of me tapping out.  I'm done.  No thanks.  Buh-bye!

Sorely disappointed by this new found information about spray tans I found myself sauntering down the aisles of Walmart investigating the bottles of "do-it-yourself" spray tans.  I know.  Orange disaster waiting to happen!  Surprisingly, other than the fact that I can't spray it evenly on myself because of the awkward nature that I have to twist and turn to hit all my critical areas, (under carriage not included), it's not bad!  The do-it-yourself tan has come a long way since 1998.  (standing ovation!!!)  The first few times I used it I sprayed a nice light mist onto my legs and arms.  By spray 5 I was feeling a little bit more brave, and again, the thought pops into my head, "tan fat is cuter than white fat".  So I spray more generously on my thighs and other problem areas.  This little bottle is not only going to solve my tanning dilemma but will certainly assist in boosting my self esteem!  Win-win!  

Wrong.

There should be a disclaimer on the bottle that warns of excessive use over bumpy or crevice distraught areas.  So FYI to the rest of you, the do-it-yourself mist does not hit the inner areas of small indentations hence the magnification of my lovely postpartum stretch marks.  Ummmmm....yea.  Not cool.  Very not cool!  At this point it will either take a putty knife or a professional spray tan (under carriage and all) to even out this color.  Wish me luck!